I was in a client meeting last week when the topic of
moms “having it all” came up.
Gah. I want to stop typing right there. “Having it all”
makes me want to throw up a bit in my mouth. It’s SO OVERDONE. Overused.
Abused.
I’m going to forge on now as I did in that meeting; bear
with me.
The topic actually came up authentically in the course of
this client’s business discussion. It wasn’t a side conversation during a break
in the meeting among the working moms in the room who were lamenting over which
one couldn’t get her 5-mile run in this morning because she had an early board meeting
to zip off to after dropping her three perfectly coifed and ironed children off
at Montessori to continue on their path towards presidency.
Nope, the topic came up in the course of ideating a new
strategic platform for the client, whose primary focus is on the mom consumer.
(You do know what I do for a living, right?)
I personally have been accused of “having it all” in the
past and while outwardly rolling my eyes, internally secretly loved the
accusation because, well, that competition thing. It’s real, it exists, and don’t
think I have gotten to this stage in my career because I’m not competitive. Why
do you think the “mommy wars” exist? (Oops, throwing up in my mouth again.)
Because moms are competitive. News flash!
For Pete’s sake, at my son’s soccer game last weekend, I
showed up (un-showered, mind you) wearing a t-shirt, skinny jeans and a long
necklace and another mom in workout gear pointedly asked me why I was so
dressed up. She wasn’t joking. “Have you been to church or something this morning?
Seriously, why so dressed up?” Uhhh…
Do I really have it all? Psshh, child please.
I yell at my kids. I have no patience for helping with
homework. I’m late. They’re late. Sometimes I’d rather escape to Starbucks with
my laptop than be at home. I’m stressed and anxious and have decided I’m
probably thin only because my heart is constantly racing. I’m sure I project my
stress onto my wee ones (one of whom has been diagnosed with generalized anxiety,
okay?) and my workaholic tendencies are probably giving them self-esteem
issues. Does that make you feel
better?
Sounds like a dream, right? Just another day in Having It
All! Whee!
Do you think we can just decide we should not be so competitive? That we can just decide to
stop the drive towards trying to have it all? I’m telling you, it was mentioned
in the meeting that day. People who are very smart and strategic, at the top of
their games, and who work with moms every day allow this idea to spill out of
their mouths too easily, in my opinion. I’ve heard it. Like, “let’s just help
American moms off this path of destruction called perfectionism! Easy peasy,
done and done!”
God, if only that whole sentiment came in a pill.
Instead of talking the tired talk about how “we don’t
have to have it all! (wink!),” because God knows we love to beat a dead horse,
let’s have a REAL, blunt, head-on conversation about the fact that yep, we do all want it all and we do want it all to be just like we
imagined and we do want it to be better
than the mom next door to boot.
If we (and the brands we love) really want to help moms,
how about feeding into this innate drive,
this wired-in competition, and flip it so that the drive is towards who is the
BEST about shutting off (or attempting to?) the laptop at 5:00 most often? Who does the BEST job of
encouraging her child to learn through play the instead of doing anxiety-ridden
worksheets? Who is the BEST about asking for and leaning on help from her
personal village? Who is the BEST about talking most openly and honestly about
her fears and insecurities when it comes to motherhood? Who is the BEST at
making others around her feel like their no. 1 goal should be to achieve perfectly
imperfect? Who is the BEST at not gossiping about other moms and the way they
manage, acknowledging the fact that none of us knows what’s really going on at
home, in families and personal lives, and God bless us every one. Whew.
Own up to it and then figure out what works for you. What
is your “all.” And then work it,
mama. Not just for you but also for your need to show Suzy next door that yes, you
indeed are going to rock those hot pink skinny jeans and let them mask your
anxiety about the fact that your demanding job and the needs of your offspring
are in a constant state of war that you will never admit to Suzy.
Because God help you, you will persevere with ALL the
drive you have. All.You.Have.
