The starts and stops in my posting schedule are probably indicative of the volume of stuff in my brain clogging up the flow of words from mind to fingers to keyboard.
It's a tangled web.
Since my last post, I have quietly celebrated a new life growing in me. And also shed tears for my best friend and her daughter over a leukemia diagnosis.
I have watched our home lose more of its walls, floors, and shell. And I have watched new lumber raise up, constructed where old once was.
I have ached for various colleagues, many of whom I spend more time with than my own family members, as they have alternately contemplated divorce, prayed for their infant son's cancer to go away (again), taken in a homeless person, and buried their mother-in-law. And I have marveled at the fact that no matter what is happening at home, behind closed doors, we are a group of people who show up and perform at the top of our games and bring passion and enthusiasm, even if it's cobbled together some days, to a job we are truly invested in.
I have held my tongue and my breath while navigating the tricky waters of first grade reading curriculum as a parent of a smart kid who is bound by hurdles in his brain that he didn't create. And I have reveled in the relief of his good grades, awesome spelling tests and a teacher who is actually on his side, working with, not against, him and his quirks.
I have been reminded that I am the daughter of a selfless mother whom I don't outwardly appreciate enough. But oh how I appreciate her. She is my village. I could not _______ (you name it) without her.
I have tried to stop myself from thinking that things are going so well right now we must be in for a disaster around the corner.
I am emotional.
I am pregnant.
I am getting fat. And dealing with my anxieties. And wondering if this will be the last time in my life that I will physically experience this miracle of humanity - that I have the ability to produce and grow another person. Every now and then reminding myself that I need to stop and be conscious of that more often, in the 21 weeks remaining of this unique time of my life.
I am thankful.